Damage Controll

I think something is wrong with me, in the past 2 months Ive become increasingly more withdrawn. I never have fun going out anymore, unless it's super low key. But ive been opting to stay in and watch tv a lot more. Lately when i do try and go out on weekends, i get panic attacks, or really bad anxiety. Last night i left at 1am feeling like i couldnt breath. It's awful, I read up on social anxiety and im not quite sure if thats whats going on. I dont have a fear of embarrassing myself or being on the spot like the symptoms suggest i would to qualify. It doesnt seem that intense. It's just a general distaste for the people i see and the situations i get in. Going to the same few bars all the time is just getting old, and having to run into people that i hate or hate me, puts a damper on my night. Or things like the fact that you tell someone whos supposed to be your good friend that you area leaving, and the first and only thing out of her mouth is " oh can i have the flask then?" Oh cool thanks. Anyway, it' not like i hate life or anything, i just feel totally uninspired by everything going on at the moment, and i miss my things, and my privacy. I miss that boy that i only get to see once a month, who is lucky enough to be so busy that he doesnt have to think about me all the time like i do. Last time i started feeling like this i moved, maybe god is trying to tell me something?

I finally have a job, a job i actually like
Im going back to my natural hair color
Im falling for someone i probably cant ever have
I have girl friends again
I still dont wear colors
Im kinda writing music
I miss new york
I cant stop listening to the new bat for lashes....
My life in a nut shell, at least this month.

I havnt written in here since the summer, wow. Not that anything very eventful has happened but still. Hmmm. The year is almost over, Im glad, it's been a tough one, full of break ups and let downs, drama and being broke. I moved out of my apt last week with the help of some sweet young men, I put my shit in storage and have been crashing at my moms while i figure out what i want to do and where i want to go. I think I'll go back to school next semester, take out a loan, buy an amazing camera and then learn how to be badass at photo shop. I'd like to spend a month in new york this summer but I hope to get out there for a visit way before then if i can handle the cold. I'm single but ive been "hanging out" with people so i dont really feel lonely. I wish someone could make me excited again but I just dont feel it these days. Im ok with it though because it makes me totally unaffected. I have no idea what to get my family for christmas as usual, oh well I'll figure it out. I miss all my nyc friends, i feel like everyone leaves austin for there, enough to make me wish I'd stayed. My goal for now is to NOT be here for new years, last years was awful. Anyway this entry is pretty dull, and its that which has kept me for writing in here for so long haha but oh well!

I'm in like.
IN other news, Austin is still boring....

The time is 12:41 am, I am at my desk watching "this mist" on Surf the channel.com. I'm pretty sleepy. Trying not to think about something iver been thinking about too much the past few days. Oh man I am 16 again. Speaking " agains" It's time to move again. As lame as im sure 90% of people i know would think this sounds, I am strongly considering Houston. They have a way better photography scene and I dont think i can go back to new york for a while. I never write in here, my life is boring, I guess that's why. I n

I don't even remember the last time i wrote in here, but i know it's been a while. I guess i don't ever really have anything to say. But Clark insists i write something. So anyway lets see.... I currently work at American apparel, I just got put in charge of merchandising at the outlet and Im hoping to be put in charge of it for the other stores in austin. I havnt dated anyone really in a year and a half which is pretty fucking lame. The people i hang out with most are Gabe and patrick, but i wouldnt mind getting back into the habit of hanging out with jamal. I live on Manor with gabe and hes an awesome roommate. Today I'm sick for the millionth time and im about to go to laundry at my moms and let her feed me haha.I'm also due for another nyc trip for sure. Ok well that's it. Told you i was boring, bye bye.

I never write in here anymore, i guess i don't have much to say. I got a new job, i like it...I'm going on a trip in sept to a place i never thought i would go.
Last night dave came into town and we had an amazing night that ended on top of a huge house with a pool on the roof. It was crazy. But now my body is paying the price and i have felt like shit all day.
It was worth it.

Lately my brain seems to be blocking me from being able to have a good time ever. I hate it. I've been so unhappy the past week. I dont know what i want to do with myself anymore. I cant stand school and im terrible at it. I would rather get drunk than go study, i get anxiety attakcs if i dont drink when i go out, im kind of a mess. Ugh, I'm going to houston later this week with amanda, hopefully i'll feel a little better getting out of austin for a day or 2.

Its 7am an im awake. I got way too drunk last night. The past few days i've been in a shit mood. Really sad. I think i hate boys a whole lot right now, they are so full of shit. I dont remember the last time i was up this early. I feel cracked out. Im not drinking tonight thats for sure, i dont even know if I'll be going out. I sort of want to hide.I made myself call my dad finally yesterday and when the phone started ringing, i found myself kind of hoping he wouldnt answer. Talking to him was the right thing to do after everything that happened. I've just been too weirded out to know what to say. It looks so nice outside i wish i had something to go to, i always wake up early on the days i have nothing to do.

I finally had a good time last night. It had been way too long. I realy enjoy the people i hang out with these days, and I finally got my keybaord back so i can make some music. It's been way too long. Hopefully the good weekend is carried out through tonight. I need it.

yesterday went to school, but opsted to skip class and go get margaritas with some dude from my class. I still dont know his name. It was just to pretty to be in doors. After work, met up with jamal, hector and gabe and watched bad, late night fox tv. Came home and crashed out. Today i will go to class, then to get the kids, then target, and maybe vacuume out my nasty , whataburger scented car. The coffee table is full of beer cans like always, i clean it everyday but no one seems to give a shit about that.Anyway i have to write 2 papers this week, im a horrible student and um now im going to go eat a bagel.

It's monday, im alone in my apt for the first time in i dont konw how long...Im really bummed out right now. Things have gotten weird between so many close friends of mine in the past year. And it sucks when people your're on weird terms with try to like be all buddy buddy with YOUR friends before resolving shit with you. Fuck that. I hate school right now, i haven't been able to sleep in like 2 weeks.I took a xanax on accident sort of. I miss last summer...well parts of it. I'm in such a pissy mood.
I trained with a 17 year old today, he was rad though so it was cool. I have a job now, how weird is that. Haha, it's been so long....
I wonder what kind of dumb crap the dumbass in my history class will say tomorrow....
I want to be out of school, wearing a romper by the pool getting tan

Last night was crazy, Went to pure volume to see chalex play and get in on the open bar. Got El paso in, all of them ha. Drank a lot, texted a boy a lot and took some badass pictures. 3 ex boyfriends showed up and 3 guys ive made out with, all in the same room. YAY AUSTIN! Went to factory people, el paso followed. Talked a lot of shit with julio, watched jerry get his picture taken like 2348270 times. Drank more, left to met a boy in the storm and crashed out with him at my place. By some miracle im note hung over at all but i know it's only a matter of time. Today i went to apply for a job and these random japanese dudes got me drunk. Im sure that made an amazing impression. I wonder what's in store for tonight, I know ms. Foos gets in so hopefully i see her lovely face!

2: sarah
frm: ellison


hey sarah~~~~
what is up? n/m here. i'm in science class. what class are you in? ughh i hate mrs. swanson soo much! she always yells at us like we are babies or something! lol. i think i just saw amanda smith picking her nose. she is such a loser! she was even a loser when i went to elementary with her. N*E*wayz though....what are you doing this weekend? i think we should all go to chris's house cuz its always fun when we go over there. his mom always has good food for us like chips and hot dogs and sodas. i think jason is going to be there and i think he has a crush on me so maybe we will kiss...hahaha! who knows. ok well hopefully i'll get to hand this note to you during passing period. ttyl!

from ellison!!

I feel like i am stressed out pretty much 90% of my week....Her is my day so far
Wake up and go to zoology, super tired as usual, even though i got plenty of sleep. Get out at 11:30 head home, starving, to find there is no food except cereal, but oh wait no...my cereal has been eatin so i eat the last littls bits that are left, because im that hungry. I also have a massive amount of gross glue in my hair from extensions. My apt...looks like shit and we have yet to get a coffee table or entertainment center. Everything is on the floor, and the carpet is fucking sick. UGH...I have to leave in like 5 min to go to my gov class, where i have the worst teacher ever.
New york was ok....not all that great actually. I need to go back in the summer.

Last night i pretty much ruled at life...
Too bad i got drunk instead of studying for my Gov. exam, i have tonight to memorize everything and I most likely wont do it.
I got kissed last night, it was cool, but i just wished it was someone else the whole time....
I finally finally finally, get to go to new york on thursday. Mother nature can be a real bitch sometimes. This trip better be amazing for that horrible valentines day i was forced to endure. I was supposed to get a tattoo last night but i drank too much, damn it, seems that ruined a lot of things but i had a really fun time anyway.
Cinnamon toast waffles are amazing, i think im gonna go eat one right now.

My flight got cancelled....I hate my life. I guess ill just be drinking, ALOT tonight...

Tonight was stupid.....I smell like smoke, i sat in an airport for an hour, almost passed out. It's time to move.

My hair is crazy long now, i got extensions. I love them but its weird for sure. Im counting down the days till i get to new york...i really need to get out of here. I have not seen an atractive male here in fucking ages and that is just depressing. I smell like the bon fire i was just standing next to at the millionth lame party ive been to this month. Living room is its usual wreck....only now with fake hair all over the floor. Oh nat bought a hedge hog today, we named it Miklo, its super cute. Goodnight.

i have to leave and go to school in 5 minutes. I wish i was still in bed...My neighbors woke me up screaming at eachother at about 6am. Actually all i could hear was one girl but there must have been someone on the other end of it.
Anyway the weather is rainy and cold, im so sick of not seeing the sun. I managed to get out in it once last saturday and i think it will be like this again till next saturday.Im kinda just couting down the days till i get to nyc. Too bad my life isnt nearly as exciting as the fake journals my sister writes for me....